


Confidence

by cosmic_llin



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Mentorship, Pre-Canon, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Discovery, Shenzhou Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 20:53:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12240435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_llin/pseuds/cosmic_llin
Summary: ‘Your confidence is justified.’It was a long time before Michael could fully explain how those words had changed her. It was a while before she even realised that they had.





	Confidence

_‘Your confidence is justified.’_

It was a long time before Michael could fully explain how those words had changed her. It was a while before she even realised that they had. In that moment, all she knew was that something about Captain Georgiou had sent a shockwave through her, so overwhelming that she had to clench her hands together tightly to avoid any outward reaction. She was so used to suppressing her emotions that she didn’t even realise until late that night, alone in her quarters, that she was having one. Possibly several.

She’d paced back and forth, trying to make sense of it. She should have been unpacking, studying the materials she’d been provided to get up to speed with Starfleet’s protocols and regulations. But Captain Georgiou’s words rang in her head, too loud to ignore, and suddenly for reasons she didn’t understand, Michael felt differently about everything.

Since her rejection by the Vulcan Expeditionary Group, she hadn’t wanted to do anything or talk to anyone. There hadn’t seemed to be any point. She’d only agreed to try this stint on the Shenzhou in the first place because Sarek had told her to, and because Amanda hadn’t told her to, but had gently suggested that it was at least worth trying before dismissing the idea out of hand.

Michael had arrived on the ship certain that she would find nothing that suited her. Almost determined not to. Starfleet wasn’t the Vulcan Expeditionary Group, she had never wanted it, and it had nothing to offer her. But Sarek refused to let her ‘do nothing’ and ‘waste her talents’ just because the thing she’d been working towards for years had been denied her.

She had decided to make a token effort, return to Sarek to inform him that his plan had failed, and then disappear, somewhere that it didn’t matter that she wasn’t Vulcan enough and never could be, where she could fade away until everyone forgot she had ever existed.

But Captain Georgiou. Captain Georgiou, who had told her that _her confidence was justified_. Who had looked her in the eye with what seemed like respect.

Michael lay awake for a long time that night, trying to manage her emotions, but she could hardly even identify them in order to know where to begin.

* * *

Over the next few weeks and months, Michael did everything that was asked of her, to the best of her ability. She would have done it anyway - she was there to serve, even if she eventually decided to leave - but it was far less unpleasant than she had expected.

They were discussing the best way to chart a nebula, during Michael’s second month aboard. Lieutenant Garcia had suggested a shuttle mission, but Commander ch’Theloh pointed out that a shuttle was too large to safely navigate the nebula’s plasma eddies.

‘We could use a Class Three probe,’ said Michael. ‘It should be too small to be affected. We would only have to modify it slightly to avoid signal degradation.’

‘That’s not a bad idea,’ said Commander ch’Theloh.

‘Can you do it?’ Captain Georgiou asked Michael.

‘Yes,’ Michael replied.

‘All right,’ said Captain Georgiou. ‘You’re in charge, Ensign Burnham. Let’s get started right away.’

And it wasn’t the first time it had happened, but it was the first time Michael had noticed and understood - Captain Georgiou never asked or expected her to prove herself. She just assumed that Michael’s account of her own competence was accurate, and acted accordingly.

She programmed the probe with half her mind on her work, and the other half on examining this new revelation.

As a human on Vulcan, she was constantly doubted, reminded that she was slower, weaker, less logical than her peers. Even the instructors who had championed her cause and recommended her for the Vulcan Expeditionary Group had pointed to her ‘unique perspective’ rather than her skills, in spite of the fact that she had graduated with highest honours. It was… tiring.

As she finished preparing the probe and sent it off to its destination, she realised that part of the inexplicable lightness she’d felt since joining the Shenzhou was the absence of that constant doubt from everyone around her.

The probe danced through the nebula under her guidance, and sent back knowledge that they hadn’t had before. When the task was complete, she brought it back safely.

‘Nice work, Ensign Burnham,’ said Captain Georgiou.

For the rest of the day, Michael carried the praise with her like a candle.

* * *

Michael thought often of that first day, those first few words exchanged. She thought of them when she led her first away team, when she ran her first project, when she received her first promotion.

She thought of them during her first night shift in command of the Shenzhou, shortly after gaining the rank of Lieutenant.

It was only a night shift. Nothing was expected of her except to keep the systems ticking over, and alert the alpha crew if anything unusual happened. But for the next eight hours, the ship was hers. Captain Georgiou had entrusted the Shenzhou to her, and all the souls aboard her.

Michael checked the status readouts and watched the sensors and thought about that first day. Before that, she couldn’t remember anyone ever thinking she was already enough. Except perhaps Amanda, and in spite of the respect she inspired in Sarek’s household, her opinion didn’t carry much weight on Vulcan. Besides, while Michael was certain that Amanda’s love for and pride in her was genuine, she had always known that Amanda’s emotions biased her in Michael’s favour. It didn’t count.

That was what the emotion she’d felt that day had been about, she realised now. Her disbelief that someone could weigh her in the balance and not find her wanting. Her sudden bewildering surge of affection for this woman who seemed to like her without even knowing her. Her illogical sense that perhaps she would find a place here after all. Her inability to parse those emotions, or to reconcile them with what she knew and what she had expected.

Her confident manner had always been a shield to protect her - against assumptions that a human could never be as smart, as fast, as logical as a Vulcan could. It had never felt like part of her. But it was beginning to now.

The night shift went without a hitch.

‘How’s my ship?’ Captain Georgiou asked, as she entered the bridge the next morning.

Michael rose and ceded the command chair. ‘All systems functioning within normal parameters. No unexpected incidents,’ she reported.

‘That’s what I like to hear,’ said Captain Georgiou. ‘How did you like your first command?’

‘It was… interesting,’ said Michael.

‘I’ll schedule you another night shift for next week, then?’

Michael smiled. ‘That would be… very acceptable.’


End file.
